Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
