Everything about him screamed your future.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
