so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
