I'm gonna have a badass scar
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
