I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
