I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
