You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
