Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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