im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
