a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
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my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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