If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
