She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
