I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
