I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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