the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
