i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
