I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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