Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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