sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
