A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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