he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
