You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
