Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I wear drunk well.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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