The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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