I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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