This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
