i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
