He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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