ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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