Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
