Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
