who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
