We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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