I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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