Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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