WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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