Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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