Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
