This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
