i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
