as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
