i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
