Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
