i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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