Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
