sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
