The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
