don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
