this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
