my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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