Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
