Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
