i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
