True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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