I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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