Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
